The Improbable Rise and Fall of Postal Worker Shootings.

The toner… it’s out. Fuck, how the hell am I going to print these labels?
Christ, this fucking sucks. I need to package this shit. God damnit, I hate the post office. I wonder when the last time someone died in a post office.
Fuck my life, we’re out of tape too?

My wife left me, my pensions been cut, and I’m the only one working here. What the fuck am I doing with my life? Shit nothing thats what. Fuck it, let’s make a new statistic. Postal worker death.

I’ll go get my gun.

– Last thought of Liam Johnson, Post Office 113 shortly prior to committing suicide via 9mm.

Rectal Bleeding and You

The blood it spurts forth in crimson tides, flowing forth upon thy porcelain palace. All hail real life percussions for butthurt gone awry, perhaps you have read one too many blog? One to many piece of information has burrowed its way into thy skull! Infuriation, despair, the feeling of pain. The body cannot handle any more, and thus exits, forcefully through the path of least resistance, thy rectum. Perhaps you will bleed, maybe even disembowel, no mortal man can survive this manly period, your flow is so heavy that you may not even make it another 30 minutes. A tampon perhaps? Nay, your fists shall block thy anal passage, an alabaster silk road which has been stained the horrid crimson red.

Shove, shove, shove, let the reverse labor begin, like a woman unbirthing her child your fist shall enter painfully into your anal cavity. Your hips shall shatter and you shall cry like a wench, your birthing hips are no match for the rage you feel about politics and religion, you filthy little bitch. Oh my, the blood has coagulated on the floor the effervescence steams forth, my my your blood is toxic! Why must you harbor such whiny feelings, let them flow forth like the blood, spill thy emotions and detach yourself from care. The true way is to be unhindered by that which you read, that which you see, and that which you know. Flow, softly and silently like  a river in a wooded Chinese grove, unseen by the patrols. Avoid the conflict, and let it avoid you as well.

You see this rectal bleeding has been brought forth by yourself, you being the insignificant puny individual you are, cries out when your feelings are hurt. You cry forth like a wounded rabbit caught in a snare, as if the information your nervous system has just processed has maimed you! Lies they are, you are perfectly fine, why not let the idiots lie? White knighting gets you nowhere, thy dick shall not be sated you fool! No women shall fall for your frivolous pursuit of morality! Shut thy mouth bitch and move on. Shove that tampon up your ass you woman, get over yourself and your petty morality. The bleeding will stop when you end your own suffering.


Oh Hrothgar, Hrothgar king of the Danes, fuck the waffles you’re gonna be goddamn insane. You live in the Dakotas, Christ fucking alive, murdering wenches and fucking bitches galore. God damn son, no one asks you “Why fucking fore?”

In college you’ll be the slayer among slayer, punch those dick fucking Quidditch players. The manliest man, a beard to your balls, fuck ZZ top and their shitty ass drawls. They’ll crawl to your knees, and beg for your secrets however you’ll tell them to fuck off and go snort from the beakers!

I am the Bob Dylan, your fucking jester. Make sure to take care of your goddamn sister, I swear to god I will cut a man, little fucking g, fuck that big man. The days will drag on, and the nights will be shit, but at least your father isn’t too big of a dick. He may be angry and drink all your scotch, but thats what happens when bitches crave the damn cock.

Fuck that bitch cousin, fuck his shit up. I swear to god you better slay it or you ain’t King of the Danes, you’ll just be a pussy fag like Benny the Insane. However if you do become like Benny the bum, I’ll fuck your shit up and your father will drink the rum. You’ll live not another day as that is an unforgivable sin, fuck that man and his little dick and chin. Don’t be a little bitch, don’t pretend to be black, dont be a fucking kike, like Sussman, thats right. Do go into radio, and make your mom money, fuck bitches, get stitches, sell coke to the hoes. Mother knows best, and bro’s before hoes. Praise my literary genius and I’ll teach you one day, you’re the fucking Frodo, I’m Gandalf Fucking Gray.

This shit is ridic, I’m out for the day, time to go snort some crystal herocaine.



The end is nigh my friends. The time within which the young approach adulthood is fast approaching. I fear, I fear for them as  I fear for the bones lurking beneath my skin. Some may shatter, other may not. Place hope in the children that are like femurs, they shall stand strong and unwavering even under great pressure. 

Vote for them as we cast out the old in the barren halls of Congress. They who are feeble and quick to fall to the follies of lobbies. To replace them, is to take a step forward, to defeat them is a great triumph. Why must we be stuck in an endless cycle of incumbents? Why, this is such a simple question to answer, it is because the young lack teeth, teeth that have been stripped by the dentistry that is called ignorance. To ignore that which is fact is to live blissfully, who would like to be awakened to an era whereupon which dreams have no ability to be fulfilled? One would be a masochist to take off the lenses, to see the world as it truly is, a cesspool.

This era, an era of compliance, and era of falling forth at the feet of giants. Those that we have built so high, placed in esteem control the aspects of our lives. Why live simply? Because it is easy. Why not think? Because challenges take effort. Casting forth the idea of God, the void has been filled by that of the statesman, who else shall legislate our morality, if we ourselves seem to believe a higher power dictates what we can and cannot do?

This perspective upon which we  draw from, those seemingly above us, those which we have placed there and wholly forgotten that we gave them that power, it is sickening. 


Oh Nikolai, of Copernicus, why are you the scourge of Germanicus? Come forth and dine with us, before the tryst becomes blasphemous. Thy words they are so sweet to us, but like cyanide the end of us. Oh Nikolai, of Copernicus, why are you the scourge of Germanicus?

Why We Need To Arm The Children of America.

The idea is simple, we need change. Obviously the bureaucrats do not know, nor the teachers, the policeman, the fireman, or the Pope for that matter! We must arm them to change the world as it is full of naughty naughty people who are out to steal their lunch money to fund their offshore bank accounts!

I shall begin this trend, the rifles shall be the way to begin! After all, as it is supposedly the end of the world on this day, as told to me by the cleric Timothy Edmonds why not arm them? The doomsday shall not be wrought by the rotted corpses of the Mayans! It shall be wrought by the armed children of Texas as they themselves shall be the saviours of the North American continent. With them we shall purge the weak, with them we shall purge the unitiated! With them we shall create a whole new puppet society, with so many little cute marionettes that you cannot help but squeal in perfect harmony!

Oh how glorious it shall be with handguns and blazes of ammo galore! No Walmart shall be safe, no dimestore, nor the P.F Chang’s! They shall go forth and like a wildfire spread the message! The message of change, that the time is now! We shall take back our lunch money, we shall spill the bullies milk! We will cry with him and then we shall take his clothes and take them to Goodwill!

Arm them! Arm them! And then we shall arm the bears, as the bears have been armed the Second Amendment will have been fulflled! America shall arise, arise I say to it’s former glory. Back to the glorious days of bare knuckle boxing, and drinking whiskey through orifices not meant for liquor. We shall rise back, destroy the Internet, destroy the colliders, destroy the vile Twinkies!

The twinks themselves shall run, as we shall destroy their music as well. Oh Texas children, arise with me and bring forth thy apocalypse like a scourge upon the Earth that none hath seen since the burning of the Library of Alexandria! Thy drawls shall drawl on and on droning forth into the night with thy pitchforks in the air! Wall Street shall burn and we shall create a ticker tape parade not see since V-Day! Oh we shall march, and we shall be the drums, to the kick of your heart!

We shall arm you against the barbed words of the adults, and against the cancer that is sunlight! Armed with sunglasses, hats, and legals skills abounding. We shall sue, shoot and burn our way to a new and glorious future.

Cry forth into the night, oh my children…cry forth into the night. This morn we shall begin anew…